The Wallet

Last week, I wrote about the things people leave behind in estates.  This week, I want to share with you a special find that not only surprised the daughter when I presented it to her, but helped to heal an old, yet still open, wound.

Their dad had died over 30 years ago, and the daughter had shared with me how very special dad was, and how she could feel his presence while she was disassembling the family home.  While going through a pile of stuff the realtor moved aside to stage the home, I found dad’s wallet and knew I had to keep it for the daughter.

The moment I opened the wallet, I remember being greeted by a kind face on the driver’s license staring back at me.  The wallet was filled with oodles of photos of his children and grandchildren.  I instinctively knew he was someone special.  So when I handed it to his daughter at the completion of our job, you could see the joy in her face.  We had indeed found a treasure among the ruins of taking apart the home.  It had been particularly rough for her, so this was like the prize at the bottom of the box — that special slice of serendipity that plops on your lap when you least expect it.  I love it when that happens.

Little did I know when she called me the next day, she had discovered a special order to the photographs in dad’s wallet.  Her brother’s photo was the first one, and underneath were stacked photos of her, her mom, grandkids, etc.  Instead of being bothered by that, she said the most amazing thing.  Her brother had battled a substance abuse problem in his youth that caused upheaval in the family and I can only assume the same for his interpersonal relationships.  And while the sibling had long been clean and sober, dad never lived long enough to see the wonderful person his son turned out to be.

Even though dad had been gone over three decades, he still had a message of love to send to both of his children.  The message was loud and clear: At a time when a parent is pushed to the limit of love and understanding in dealing with a substance issue, he never gave up on believing in or loving his son.

Today, I understand that son is an incredible man who found his inner strength and now helps others do the same.  May the finding of this small, yet powerful item bring both children peace and emotional closure, knowing how much their father loved them!

What I’ve Learned as an Expert in “Things” (part 2)

I probably don’t have to tell you this, since Wal-Mart and almost every other store are playing holiday music already:  The holidays are coming soon!!

As I write this blog on what I’ve learned as an expert on “things,” I realize that these last two thoughts, promised to you last week, will revolutionize how you view this year’s holidays.  They’ll probably also save you money and frustration when holiday shopping time comes.  Please consider the following observations from this expert in “things:”

3.  It’s what you do with what you have that really counts, not what you possess.  In these tough economic times, it’s important to remember there are others dealing with greater difficulties than you.  Even while we tighten our purse strings, we can still give in many ways that others would be so grateful for.

• Give of yourself.
• Go visit someone you have been meaning to see for a long time.
• Write that letter.
• Bake those cookies.
• Volunteer for those needing help.
• Visit those confined to home by infirmity or sickness.
• Surprise a loved one.
• Make that phone call to make amends with one you haven’t spoken to for years.
• Bring your children to an assisted living or nursing home; watch the residents light up.
• Say what you need to say, and do so right now.
• Ask for forgiveness and offer it, no matter what.
• Offer hugs to those who really need it.
• Listen to your elders because you will learn so much.

4.  If you have a senior in your life … Spend a full day with them and ask them to share stories of your family history — fun stories, challenges, family secrets, marriages.  Look through old photos.  Record this day and make a book for them (and copies for each sibling) so it may be passed down for years to come.  Many children regret not having more family history, but they realize this only after a loved one has left us.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Make a Plan for the Ashes

Several years ago, I was preparing for an estate sale and found cremated remains in the bottom of a china hutch.  They were handed to the son, who promptly tossed them under the kitchen sink right in front of me.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The ashes were tossed in with the Comet, Cascade, rags, and Brillo pads.  I was aghast!  How could anyone do such a thing?

I called the attorney’s office to report this horrible act and offered something above and beyond my call of duty.  I offered to appropriately scatter the ashes in a beautiful place and say a prayer for this deceased person.

Today, years after the fact, I received a call asking me to handle the remains because no one else will.  It is a strange thought: here I am, a perfect stranger to the decedent, yet I care more about him than his own family.  I know there are laws concerning this and I will do my due diligence to appropriately handle this out-of-the-ordinary mission that has landed in my lap.  Surely a family member would care enough to tend to this need?  Sadly, not one of them does care.

This should be a reminder to us all that when a loved one is cremated (including our beloved pets), plans must be made in advance for their final resting place.  What if the one who has the ashes in their possession dies and no one in the family knows what to do with them?  This is especially important in blended families.  It’s not something we think about often, but a plan will ensure that the proper procedure will be followed when the time comes.

© 2011, The Estate Lady

“Are Co-Executors a Good Idea?”

Q:  I have two grown daughters who get along well, and treat me with great care and respect.  Now that my husband has passed away, I need to update my will.  I am considering both my daughters to be co-executors.  Is this a good idea or not, Julie?  What do you suggest?

A.  Have you ever noticed that there are those who are very good at making decisions and those who couldn’t make a decision if their life depended on it?  While these are two extreme examples, everyone is somewhere between those two extremes – a mixed bag of opinions, emotions, thoughts, feelings, theories, etc.  You never know what you’re going to get when you add different moods and personalities to the mix.

Even when you know someone very well, the tide can easily turn when one is grieving and handling an estate, which is a very stressful situation.  The slow and steady brother suddenly rears up and causes strife which you did not expect.  The quiet, reclusive sister becomes the chronic complainer to the point of estrangement.  Another sister is refusing to move out of the home, causing major financial problems for the family.  Finally, the long-lost baby brother no one has heard from in years surfaces, demanding his share.

One executor is difficult enough, for they can never make everyone happy and are always the target.  Having co-executors is not often recommended by legal professionals for these reasons:  differences of opinion, geographically remote from the location of the estate, one can easily cause trouble, the other can drag out the sale of the estate against the family’s wishes.  You name it and I’ve seen it!

I think many people choose co-executors because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  In the end after they leave this earth, the hurt, pain, and grief that their decision has caused can be unbearable.

Bottom line: Think long and hard before assigning co-executors.  It may be best to assign this role to someone who is completely objective, rather than either of your daughters.

© 2011 Julie Hall

Life is Like a Track Meet

As a middle-aged adult, those junior high kids have a way of making it look easy.  I honestly don’t remember having that kind of energy, but I know we all did.

Attending my teenager’s track meets, I find myself in awe of the high jumpers and the hurdlers.  Observing them, in all their youth and vigor, I could see that it takes even a young athlete great effort to get up and over that bar and those hurdles.  There is a rhythm in their approach, a method to the madness that the spectator marvels at.  Tremendous coordination of body, mind, and spirit must synchronize to successfully clear those hurdles.  Leaping into mid-air, up and over an obstacle you cannot see at the last moment requires forethought, guts, and faith that they will achieve their goal.

Watching each of them focus on the task at hand and seeing the power of their “take-offs,” the sound of their pounding feet on the track, and the grunts from overexertion, I see sensory proof of their efforts, victories, and momentary defeats.  Life is very much like a track meet.

These are among the great lessons that teach us our lives are a series of hurdles and high jumps.  Regardless of age, we are often reminded that we too have our own obstacles and fearful moments.  It takes courage and faith to overcome them, or at least face them.  We too will fall and get hurt many times in life, but we must get up and keep going, just like these kids.

Every time I have problems getting motivated, or even days when I realize I am having a pity party for myself, I think of those thundering flashes of feet on the track.  Those kids are scared and vulnerable when they step on that track for all to see, but it’s the champion inside us that keeps us moving forward and over those hurdles.

© 2011 Julie Hall

What should I keep when cleaning out Dad’s house?

Don’t sell, give away, or donate anything until a professional has looked at it.  So many Boomers throw away or give away personal possessions worth a fortune, simply because they don’t know the values.  Tell everyone “no” until the appraiser has reviewed everything.  The cost to pay a personal property appraiser is nothing compared to what you could find, not to mention the peace of mind it will offer you!

Keep the following:

• Anything that can provide family history.
• Family heirlooms if they are wanted and will be cherished.  Don’t force heirlooms on the children if their hearts aren’t in it.
• Evaluate all items of perceived monetary value (hire that appraiser).
• Some family photographs.
• Items that are rare or unusual (some antiques fall into this category) IF someone has room for them and wants them.  It’s ok to sell if no one wants them.
• Jewelry — have it appraised first.
• Items with historic significance — may donate if no family member wants them.
• Important documents must be kept together until they are all sorted through by the executor.
• Collections: gold, coins, guns, stamps, etc.  Always have them evaluated by a professional.
• Antiques, artwork, paintings, sculpture — must be evaluated by a professional.
• Military items.  Not only are these items sought after by collectors but may also be vital to family history.
• Safes, safety deposit boxes, and their contents. 
• Anything you cannot identify.

Don’t take things just to take them.  Select a few sentimental items that are small enough for you to use or display in your home.  Great family and marital strife can develop if you take too much.  Remember, the more you take now, the more your children will have to deal with later.

© 2010 Julie Hall

The BEST Way to Preserve Your Family History

Last week, I gave you 5 suggestions for preserving family photographs.  Family history doesn’t have to be just about photos.  It can be your father’s war items that you have displayed in a shadow box, like I saw recently at a friend’s house.  Her father’s Army photo, with his dog tags, and several other mementos looked terrific on the wall, instead of thrown in a box that won’t be seen or admired much.

Perhaps Grandma never finished the quilt she was working on, and all you have are square remnants.  Why not take these to a professional and have the remnants made into pillows for your siblings?  I have even seen these framed.

Of course, I still feel the BEST WAY TO PRESERVE YOUR FAMILY HISTORY is to give your elders the most spectacular gift of all: yourself and some time.  Spend a Sunday every few weeks and make it a point to record or videotape them (with their permission, of course).  Or, just write down everything they say: the funny stories, the family tragedies, etc.  Accumulate this precious information and create your own family memory/history book, based on first hand information.

Remember, one of the biggest regrets I see is when a loved one dies and it’s too late to ask questions.  Find your own unique way to preserve your family history.  Take a little time with a loved one, make their day, and learn about where you came from.

© 2010 Julie Hall

5 Steps to Preserving Your Family History

I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away.  What can we do now to preserve our family’s history and heritage?

1. While your parents are still living, and if you are blessed to still have grandparents living, start asking questions.  Have them share stories and ask to go through photographs so you can play the “name that person” game.  All too often, I see heirs throwing away family photos because they are unidentified.  Make sure you ask your older relatives prior to memory impairment.
2. Choose a small amount of photos that you would like to preserve and have them professionally copied for other siblings/heirs.  This is a lovely and meaningful gift to give.  Some clients have made memory books for each child, complete with the “who’s who.”
3. If there are too many photographs to have reproduced or it is not financially feasible to do so, use your digital camera and photograph each photo.  This can be put on CDs for you and for other family members.  It costs very little and takes up almost no room.
4. Remember if you handle original photos, keep them in acid-free envelopes.  Use a post-it note on the back to identify each subject in the picture, until you can create your own inventory sheet, reproduction photo, or CD.
5. Use this article from Kimberly Powell to help you with proper scanning procedures:  http://genealogy.about.com/cs/digitalphoto/a/digital_photos.htm

Today I’ve discussed photos only, but there are many more ways to preserve your tangible family history.  Do you want to know the #1 BEST idea to presrve family history?  Check back next Monday!

© 2010 Julie Hall

Preserve Your Family History

Today, like any other day, I walked out to my mailbox, and I found an envelope from my elderly father.  I can’t remember receiving much mail from Dad in the past.  It has always been Mom who sent me things.  But it was Dad’s handwriting; I have been worried because he hasn’t been well.  I opened the letter, not knowing quite what to expect.  Much to my surprise, I found the following letter along with a handful of photographs that had been enlarged:

Dear Julie,

I am enclosing several enlargements of old slides I found in the back of the garage.  I thought you and the others that are in the photos should have them — sorry, in some of them you weren’t even born yet.  It is important for you to have these because they show both sides of your family — these are the people you come from.  You should preserve these and show them to your children and grandchildren as your mother and I are doing now.

Love to all, Dad

Dad’s letter made me realize two things. 

First, our older parents do think about these things and do worry that once they are gone, all family lineage will die with them.  In my estate business, I see this all too often.  On the flip side, I see families that preserve almost too much and it becomes information overload for the kids.  Is there a happy medium?  I think there can be.

Second, as a boomer myself, I feel that many of us in our 40s, 50s, and 60s neglect to ask about our heritage until our loved ones are either infirm or they pass away.  I have seen so many of my boomer clients say they “wish they could talk to mom and ask who is this person in the photo.”

So what can be done?  I’ll give you some specific ideas next week!

© 2010 Julie Hall